Crazy? 2: A Not so Sequential Sequel
by Confushi Sushi
Summary: Sam had seen many gruesome things in her life. Decapitated corpses, horrible experimentations gone wrong, death and debilitation in nearly every form. And now she wished she were viewing any number of those instead.


Title: Crazy? 2: A Not So Sequential Sequel

Summary: Sam had seen many gruesome things in her life. Decapitated corpses, horrible experimentations gone wrong, death and debilitation in nearly every form. And now she wished she were viewing any number of those instead.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. And I think after this we'll all agree Thank God For That!

AN: I blame iamdragonrider for this. Though how can anyone know the depravity to which my mind can sink with little provocation? Ok, usually there's absolutely no provocation. Something tells me this should never see the light of day. It helps if you read the first Crazy? before this. The humor isn't quite complete without it.

*

"You're wearing that to our date?" Lieutenant Graham Simmons crossed his arms in severe disapproval.

Sam's eyes widened, wondering what the hell he was talking about. When she looked at herself she saw she was wearing the same green BDUs she always wore around the base. He was also wearing his regular uniform. But she was more concerned about this supposed date he mentioned than what she was or wasn't wearing to it.

"What date?"

"Samantha Jean Yvette Sinclair Carter! Why must you always ruin everything for me?" Simmons whined pitifully. He threw down a large bouquet of flowers that she had absolutely no idea where he had grabbed it from.

Jack's voice came from beside her. "Could you close the door? Man needs his privacy here."

When she turned she saw him sitting on a toilet with the door wide open. An open newspaper hid what his dropped trousers did not. Sam's head tilted as she read one of the headlines. Look at that, the Avalanche beat the Bruins 3-0.

"Sir, what are you doing?"

He looked up from the article he was reading. "Shitting a brick, what does it look like?"

"Excuse me?" Sam turned away as her cheeks colored.

"Well, Carter, I am expressing my surprise at you going out on a date for the first time in over seven years."

She was about to protest, though he said nothing that wasn't true. The clattering of something heavy splashing inside the bowl, chipping the porcelain, turned her words into vapor. Sam turned on her heels and left the room, retort forgotten.

"Saaaaaam!" Simmons called after her, but did not follow.

The nondescript room emptied out into the SGC corridors. She had barely taken one step out when she was nearly bowled over by Sergeant Davis. A giant monkey wrench clutched to his chest. And as she watched him round the corner, she was almost taken out by Sergeant Siler.

"Stop! Give me back my baby!" The mechanic shouted. Sam heard a maniacal laugh echo down the hall in response.

"Now that's something you don't see every day." Jack was suddenly standing beside her, tossing a brick idly between his hands.

Sam felt herself turning green. "I think I'm going to be sick."

She ran down the corridor, looking for a good place to vomit. But she seemed to run forever without finding a single doorway. It didn't occur to her that her stomach should have spasmed by now, whether she wanted it to or not. Instead she just got more and more frustrated.

Daniel seemed to come out of nowhere, grabbing her by her shoulders. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Um..." Sam wasn't sure anymore.

"The Goa'uld are on base, get your ass in gear!"

Sam turned towards the armory, her queasiness forgotten.

Daniel didn't let go, holding her in place. "There's no time for that. Teal'c needs help now."

She could hardly protest as he pushed her down the hallway. Sam was prodded all the way to Teal'c's quarters. There was no commotion in the corridors... Nothing to indicate there were any problems at all.

"If the Goa'uld are here, where is everyone?" she asked him. But Daniel was apparently done talking, a rare sight indeed. He merely opened the door and shoved her inside.

Sam had seen many gruesome things in her life. Decapitated corpses, horrible experimentations gone wrong, death and debilitation in nearly every form. And now she wished she were viewing any number of those instead.

Instead of Apophis standing over Teal'c, in his golden skullcap and full dominatrix garb. Tight black leather corset with matching gloves, fishnet stockings, and arguably the highest pair of stilettos she had ever seen. The whip was poised to strike.

"Who's your false god?" Apophis demanded in his dual tones.

Teal'c, decidedly worse for wear, immediately replied. "You're my false god!"

Sam was frozen in shock. She started when Apophis finally noticed her, a disapproving look on his face. "No free shows!"

"Sorry," Sam stammered weakly. She didn't resist as she was pushed out of the room, the door slammed in her face.

"Sam?" Daniel called out. She was far too stunned to reply.

"Sam?" He was more insistent.

And now, he was shaking her by the shoulders. "Sam? Come on, wake up already."

Her head was pounding. Her mouth was painfully dry, and she was laying on a very unforgiving surface. Sam opened her eyes just a sliver and immediately regretted it. Just what the hell had she done last night?

"How'd you end up on the floor?" Daniel asked. His voice burrowed into her vulnerable brain.

"Owww," was her only response.

Carefully, he grabbed her under her arms and slowly pulled her up. Sam found herself deposited on the nearby couch, and she sank into it gratefully. When she opened her eyes again, Daniel was holding out a glass of water and some pills.

"You look like crap," he said.

She took it, and managed to roll her eyes. "Thanks."

For a while she just laid back, eyes closed as her head continued to pound. Daniel watched her from the other side of the couch.

"I just had the craziest dream," Sam said, opening her eyes as she spoke.

Daniel looked up at the ceiling, face turning red. "Actually, I think I have you beat there."

Sam frowned as she looked at him. "I highly doubt that..."

Her thought was interrupted by a loud crash of something heavy falling in the bathroom, followed by Jack's exclamation of, "Dammit!"

END

AN: Can you guess which part was spawned by the phrase "funky retribution"? And don't worry, I'm off to go commit myself.


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